over the past few weeks, I've been facing a problem that, by rights, i should be able to post on this blog, since the main reason i created it in the first place was because i wanted an outlet where i can vent out all my feelings, whether it be frustration, anger, giddiness, hope or love. but ever since i told some friends about it's existence, i felt kinda shy to open up and just write whatever i want.
but now, with all the emotions just swirling inside me, threatening to blow up like a hurricane, i have no choice. i have to write, or risk having more than just a breakdown.
i think I'm falling...
for the last few weeks, I've been alternately telling myself that I'm falling, it's great! yey!...then...nope, it can't be, this is not how it's supposed to happen. i was just helping, that was it.
I've been in a state of hopeless denial since this thing this feeling, began, and once i started falling there was no stopping it. it's like slipping down the edge of a steep slope, then falling down a never ending abyss of darkness with no light, no hope, nothing but nothingness.
hopeless...
hopeless to do anything that will stop the slide down, nothing to grasp on for purchase, I'm alone in this, i chose this, i have to go on sliding till i hit rock bottom, if there is one.
don't get me wrong. he's great. that's the problem. if there was even a tiny bit of nastiness that i can find in him, maybe i can stop my treacherous heart from beating fast whenever he comes near, whenever he smiles, or even just look in my direction. but insofar as I've known him, there's nothing.
lost...
now, i found out something. that after everything, he's thinking of going back the same road he was in before this, my feelings, began. i know that i don't have the right to be angry, and I'm not, not really. I'm just a friend, lately a "guilty-friend-who-just-happens-to-have-feelings-for-him kind of friend", but still only a friend. I'm just disappointed. he can do better. he deserves better. it doesn't have to be me, but somebody who will feel the same feelings for him. somebody who will love him with all her heart, without reservations, without asking him to change one bit of his character just to please her, somebody who will love him unconditionally, because that's what he deserves, that's what everyone deserves.
...
now, i have to make ways to move on, even though it will hurt like hell. the time will come when i won't have to see him, and moving on now would mean that the hurt would lessen eventually when that time comes. it would hurt to smile at him like i don't know or feel anything, but i have to do it. he can't be suspicious. I'm a friend, so i will support him. if he's happy, then i will try to be happy for him. i hope he finds happiness this time, whether with the girl he wants right now, or in the future. i will try to be happy, for his sake. then i will try to find it within myself to accept that this wasn't for me.
guess I'm still the loser in the end.
